Bookshelf

🎨 Impressions

Olympic 10,000 meter runner Alexi Pappas has written a breath-taking autobiography about her difficult and unusual path. My runner friend Micha was among the first to recommend this to me, but I finally took note after hearing Rich Roll interview her on his podcast. She seems like a wonderful and wonderfully exceptional person. Reading her book opened up my eyes about all the struggles she’s overcome to achieve her dream, being an Olympian.

It is written in a way that makes you want to hug her and say it’s going to be okay, but at the same time her defiance of being ruled by the obstacles in her way make you want to admire her strength. She’s presenting herself to be a vulnerable person who is taking her future into her own hands.

If you came to buy the book because you wanted to know what being a participant of the Olympic Games is like you won’t be disappointed, but you will gain so much more insight into what goes on in the years and decades before that half hour lasting run of a lifetime can take place.

There are several significant chapters in Alexi’s life which distinctly separate her from many other professional runners. She’s had a mother who was addicted to painkillers, was severely depressed, self-mutilated in the presence of Alexi, and after some attempts to commit suicide succeeded at it when Alexi was just four years old. She grew up with her older brother and father who cared very  well for them but worked a lot and hired au-pairs to fill the vacated female role model position. Alexi learned from a young age to select her own mentors and that being on the hunt for knowledge and self-improvement is the way up and out.

She suffered by being part of the male-dominated athletics scene but managed to stay on and use her running talents to get ahead, figuratively and literally speaking.

The chapter about the actual Rio Olympics she was part of seemed to be the main focus of the book at first, and it’s a great one and reveals lots of interesting bits about the games, but you then realize how it’s just a small albeit defining chapter in Alexi’s life. Afterwards, she fell deep. Severe depression hit her, just like her mom.

A big part of the book is about how that affected her and how the sacrifices she made in order to make it to the Olympics made it harder for her to land on her feet after that one huge event that nothing else would be able to top.

I personally often find it hard to read about depression, because I think we all have a tendency inside of us which can be pulled towards the front by certain triggers and the apparent powerlessness involved actually scares me. Alexi’s story about her chapter with severe depression was honest and surprisingly uplifting. She described in detail the help she seeked and received, and the people involved who made it possible for her to make it out in one piece.

It is great to witness her thrive in her second life as a movie creator, telling stories which she is uniquely suited to tell. She certainly is a role model I would be glad to have had in younger years, and who I think has a lot of important things to say to the next generation, too.

Hard work pays of, sacrificing things to achieve your dream and follow your passion is worthwhile, and accepting help when it’s not going great is the best idea you can have.

I was glad to learn that Alexi published a new separate version of this book suited especially for younger people, omitting some of the more gruesome details about suicide and depression I believe. I’ll buy it to read to my kids for sure.

📔 Highlights

What I now understand is that a successful person can be successful in anything, the good and the bad. This is both empowering and heartbreaking.

run like a bravey
sleep like a baby
dream like a crazy
replace can’t with maybe

All dead people should know this: They’re going to matter, even if they think they won’t and even if they don’t want to.

All the most important lessons in life we have to learn for ourselves. The sooner we realize this the better. How are you supposed to learn anything if you aren’t allowed to try things?

There’s a huge difference between opening doors for your kid and pushing them through.

At first I wonder how and why this special thing is happening, then, as I have learned, the answer is because I am a lucky person and I try to be the kind of person lucky things happen to. You have to believe you are deserving of good surprises in life. You set yourself up for it.

It is better to be a hundred percent healthy and eighty percent fit than a hundred percent fit and eighty percent healthy.

The result of this systemic prioritization of fitness over health for young female athletes is that many girls will become frail and injury-prone by the time they’re in college—as a result of her eating disorder, Blythe had injuries for almost her entire collegiate career.

To me, that is the biggest tragedy, when somebody gives up on a dream because of being mishandled or otherwise rushed due to a system that does not work.

because I learned that one night of heavy drinking would set me back about two weeks’ worth of training.

Deep down, I knew the difference between athletic pain, which is good pain, and other kinds of pain, bad pain. Whatever pain I felt while I was wearing running shoes could never be as bad as the things I had seen my mom do.

I worked on consciously shifting my mental energy from dreading upcoming pain to simply recognizing that the pain would always show up no matter what, and even though I utterly despised it, I should try to greet it politely like a guest at a dinner party and be fully prepared to open the door when it does.

Pain needs to see itself in the mirror and be felt before it can go away.

It’s called the Rule of Thirds. When you’re chasing a big goal, you’re supposed to feel good a third of the time, okay a third of the time, and crappy a third of the time. If the ratio is off and you feel good all the time, then you’re not pushing yourself enough. Likewise, if you feel bad all the time, then you might be fatigued and need to dial things back.

Nerves are cousin to excitement, and excitement is cousin to gratitude. Pay attention to your nerves: If you feel nervous, it’s a sign that a Very Big Thing is unfolding. Be nervous for how good that thing can be.

I would not realize this until much later, but the truth is that for me, I had internalized the idea that being an Olympian would “fix” my deep childhood need to prove to myself that I mattered. But here’s the thing about trying to solve an internal problem with an external solution: Even if you achieve the goal you set for yourself, it will never be enough.

I would later learn that it’s actually quite hard to tell yourself to change your feelings, even when you’re completely healthy. You have to change your actions, then your thoughts and feelings will follow.

First your actions change, then your thoughts, then finally your feelings, in that specific order.

I promised myself I would become dedicated to curing my depression as if it were my next Olympics. Healing my brain was even more important than healing my hamstring.

Dr. Arpaia didn’t make me feel bad if one exercise didn’t resonate with me. He gave me another piece of advice: Find what’s useful and focus on that. Focus only on what’s useful.

But what I learned was that it was important to solve my internal problems with internal solutions before I could reengage with the external world.

If a bad thing happens, you can see it as a harbinger of more bad things to come or as an opportunity for growth. Both mindsets represent ways to survive in the world, but one makes you a victim while the other empowers you. It’s easier to be a victim; it takes bravery to claim your power.

That’s what being a Bravey is—you are making a conscious choice to tell yourself what you’d like to be until it becomes part of you. You choose to replace “can’t” with “maybe” by acknowledging your feelings but focusing on your actions. Your actions encompass everything from what you do with your time, to who you surround yourself with, to the words you feed your mind. To know you can do this for yourself is the most powerful thing in the world.

If a person is not answering to their number one task, to take care of themselves, then they shouldn’t have to take on any other responsibilities. You have to take care of yourself first. You are your own most precious resource.

When our willpower is depleted we are less likely to be disciplined about the choices we make and less likely to be effective in whatever we’re trying to do. Willpower is a measurable and depletable resource.

For me, biking is “good for me” but “willpower draining,” whereas for someone else, biking might be “good for me” and “willpower boosting.” I understand I am biking for a good reason, but it is still draining my willpower. A night of partying might be “bad for me” but “willpower boosting,” and a night spent on a red-eye flight is “bad for me” and “willpower draining.” And so on.

You wouldn’t get frustrated with yourself for feeling hungry if you haven’t eaten, so why get frustrated if you need to boost your willpower when it’s low?

But your body is like a pencil: If you sharpen it too much, it will break. You can’t stay “peaked” forever; you need to recover so you can build up again for the next thing.

If you are someone who likes to be in total control of your time, which I respect, I suggest breaking your own rules when you find yourself confronted with potential, romantic or otherwise. Potential grows in the space you leave for it.

Discipline, I learned, just means making choices in favor of your goals. It doesn’t mean you’re un-chill; it means you know what you want.

Chasing a dream is the same: It isn’t helpful to fixate on the end result. The only thing that’s in your control is the progress you’re making today. You trust that, if you keep trying, you will come to the finish line eventually, whatever the finish line looks like for you. The end result will not always be in your hands.

It breaks my heart when I see someone give up on a dream because of hardships that could have been overcome with scrappy, hard, unglamorous work. Nobody likes to hear this, but it’s the truth.

If you aren’t sure you’re ready to commit to your goal, try this exercise that a mentor shared with me: Imagine that all of a sudden, pursuing your goal is not an option at all for you anymore. It has been magically taken away. How do you feel? If you feel relief, then you know it wasn’t right for you. But if you feel heartbroken imagining a world where you can’t chase your goal, then the decision to commit is clear.

My rule of thumb for major life dreams is to look ahead one year at a time.

Chasing a dream isn’t a right, it’s a privilege—and it’s more likely than not that, at first, it won’t be financially sustainable on its own. Those who are only interested tend to give up when they encounter serious challenges on the financial front, while those who are committed find solutions.

If an opportunity isn’t pre-built for you, you must build it yourself.

It can feel safer to think that certain things are impossible than to believe that just about anything is possible if you are scrappy, creative, and bold, and don’t give up—if you see barriers as things to overcome rather than reasons to quit.

“I don’t have enough time” is not a useful phrase when it comes to anything related to your dream. It’s okay to actively choose to do something or not, but don’t blame time. Take responsibility.

The only real mistake is knowing you need a change and not making it. It’s only a mistake if you don’t fix it. If something doesn’t go your way, call it a lesson and adjust accordingly.